When your kid doesn’t get what they want, all hell can break loose! Their behavior can run the gamut from whining to throwing and hitting!
Their reaction can be confusing and startling, especially when it’s just because of running out of their favorite breakfast cereal. It doesn’t make sense!
When we try to make sense of it, we have this “explanation”. “They didn’t get what they wanted!” And then we can react by trying to fix or dismiss their unacceptable behavior.
What if there’s another way to understand their seemingly unwarranted behavior when they don’t get their way?
What if the very difficult human emotion of disappointment is what they’re feeling?
Disappointment is HARD. It’s one of the hardest emotions to deal with. It can still trigger me into a downward spiral of self-blame and scrambling to overcompensate for what I’m feeling. (It happened just the other day!)
Anger, sadness or fear are more easily identified. But disappointment flies under the radar.
Here's the thing. Wanting something - having desire and expectation puts your kid’s nervous system in a slight state of excitement - almost like they’re already moving in that direction. So when they don't get what they want and disappointment hits, it’s like slamming on the emergency brake, when a car is moving. It’s very jarring to your kid’s nervous system.
Disappointment causes an actual physiological drop that can feel big and bad. Negative coping behaviors, the ones you see when they don’t get their way, result from trying to get away from that “drop” feeling and trying to feel OK.
That’s why using logic - “You can have this other cereal today and we’ll buy more of your favorite on tomorrow” doesn’t work and actually escalates the incident. (Something you already know.) That's because it’s not about the “thing”! It’s about the FEELING of disappointment.
This is when to draw on your essential parenting skills of validation and self-regulation. Next time, try saying this:
“I know this is really hard… You really wanted (your favorite cereal…) That’s so disappointing…"
And, as always, practice pausing and breathing.
Then feel into a way to comfort your child. I’m not prescribing a hug. I’m recommending providing comfort. You know your child. Offer a hug, if they are responsive to that. If your child is stress-sensitive to touch then simply be more present, talk less and listen more. Do something you think will feel connecting and comforting.
We grow together, you and I...
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To understand more about Disappointment: A sneaky cause of baffling behavior,” check out this enlightening podcast by Robyn Gobbel. It has profoundly changed the way I understand myself and my parenting.
(Click on the Quick Tip below to link to the podcast.)
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