If you know anything about me, you know that I love understanding how the brain works. I find it a great relief when I understand the physiology behind my and my kids’ behavior. It helps me know that when I can’t be the parent I want to be, it’s not a lack of will, but a lack of skill. That feels hopeful and empowering to me because skills can be learned - and practiced. I can then be proactive in a way that is effective rather than by beating myself up.
The reason that the more you yell, the less they listen is...
PHYSIOLOGY!!!!
This is why I focus so much on helping YOU build the skills to calm your own stress and shift your physiology to a place where you can positively influence your child’s behavior through co-regulation.
This Quick Tip is inspired by my client, a single mom of 2. As we have worked together she has begun to notice more and more the connection between her stress and her kids’ acting out. She has noticed that when she is able to stay calmer, they are willing to cooperate much more and do what she asks. She has also noticed that her behavior has a direct effect on how pleasant or unpleasant things are at home. Kudos to her! What a big step.
So, I asked her, How do YOU calm your stress in the moment?
I was curious because, as you know, I talk a lot about the power of breathing to calm stress in the moment. And I stand behind it. But let's face it, sometimes breathing can feel like bull shit!
Her answer surprised me and I want to share with you. She said, I know when I stay calmer it goes better. In other words, she seems to be able to put a different voice in her head, using her head. Instead of Here we go again and the reaction that follows, she tells herself, it goes better when I stay calm and is able to respond differently.
You know that I typically take a body-centered approach:
Notice (what’s happening in your body and breath) when you get the Here we go again feeling.
Pause & Breathe
Co-regulate and create felt safety. (Becoming more available for connection, listening, validation and boundaries.)
HOWEVER…
You may be more like this client, and need to initiate your path to co-regulation through your head rather than your body. I believe it is extremely empowering to change the negative voices in our head, however we do it. So I invite you to also try her strategy, if it speaks to you.
And interestingly, I have also been recently discovering the power of consciously telling myself a different message when I get in a spin. I love when synchronicity shows up.
(Click the image below to learn how imperfection makes room for self-compassion with the essential parenting skill of self-regulation)
