How to Maintain Loving Connection in the Face of Your Child's Hurtful Behavior

You know how your child's words and actions can be hurtful? I'm sure you do! The things they sometimes say can feel like a personal attack. Their behavior can also trigger some of your deepest concerns about whether your child will be OK down the road.

Here’s the thing. Behavior, (including cursing at you,) is your child’s first language to communicate big feelings of stress and overwhelm and anger. Their brain is still immature and hasn’t yet developed the complex skills for the executive function required to fully use their words. They can resort to their first language - behavior - even into their teen years! When they stress, they regress. (Except now they have bigger words!)

When they’re in the midst of big feelings, they're not OK. Stress and overwhelm are driving their negative behavior. Life lessons only have a chance later, when everyone is calm.

Think of it like this: In the movie, “The Wizard of Oz”, the wizard appears like a big, scary, monster head. That’s how your child’s behavior can sometimes appear. When the dog, Toto, pulls the curtain open at the end of the movie, behind the curtain is the “real” wizard who is small and insecure. This shows how behind your child’s big, scary behavior is the “real” little child who is scared, stressed or overwhelmed.

One of my most important Parent-Centric principles is: Your child’s behavior is an S.O.S., not an attack. Feel that… Notice what changes.

Today's Quick Tip

"When They're Acting Out, Look Behind the Curtain"

Loving connection can be maintained in the midst of difficult behavior if you OPEN THE CURTAIN. When you do that, you’ll see your child who needs your help behind their scary wizard head behavior. This will help you reach for your essential parenting skill of self-regulation. Then you'll become able to connect with your child behind the curtain rather than getting hooked into another vicious cycle. Life lessons only have a chance later, when everyone is calm.

(For more about listening to your child's behavior as communication, click the image above.)